Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. This is her perception. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Not normal. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. which i think is what youre saying. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. definitely not enough information here. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Anonymousse Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasnt said I love you in a long time, it could be because hes wrestling with feeling like he doesnt want you around. In other words, its a big sign he doesnt want to spend time with you. Heres a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. ForeverYoung What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. It sounds codependent to me. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Okay okay. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. I can see it both ways. Who keeps the dog? I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. What should I do? im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! 14 years ago. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. Have you explained that to him? All I will say is that I could not be with this man. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. So much fun and its free! The evening must be spent together as well? . What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? That was what I meant. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Too much info missing. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? ReginaRey Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. 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